Finally Figuring Out What I Really Want

Today's order: Grande Non-Fat Tazo Chai Latte

I have a wonderful family. I have a husband who loves me and who works enormously hard to allow me the privilege of being a stay-at-home mother. I have a beautiful, captivating, incredibly smart little girl who will soon turn 4. I have a handsome, funny, sensitive and generous little boy who will turn 2 even sooner. They make my heart sing every day. I have a fat and lazy cat, but he likes to cuddle with me and purr, so I love him too.

And yet, I have had persistent doubts about whether or not this picture of my family is complete. I have wondered if perhaps we should have another child. My husband and I have debated this topic for about a year, since I stopped breastfeeding Jr. and my periods returned. We've gone back and forth, over and over again. We know we have all the love required to bring another child into our lives, and we know we have the means to raise a family of 3 children. But, we've been unsure whether or not we can handle the chaos that another child brings. We've wondered if perhaps being outnumbered by the little people in our house is a bad idea. We've thought about how close we are to being permanently out of diapers and away from sleepless nights.

But we've been unable to say definitively "We're done."

So, we've been kind of laissez-faire about it all. We've said, "We'll see what happens." We've not really been trying, but we've not actively been preventing pregnancy either. It's the chicken's way out - let nature decide if we have another child, right? If it's meant to be, it will happen.

The months have passed, and I think I've felt compelled to pee on a stick all of 3 times. Negative every time. And I've been ok with that - in truth, I never really suspected I was pregnant. I have slightly irregular periods, so it wasn't a big deal to be a day or two late. I never had "The Feeling", which I have had every other time I've been pregnant. And a couple of other times too. "The Feeling" is a bit imprecise. Which is why I'm not trademarking it and making millions. Oh well.

But, lo and behold, "The Feeling" cropped up a couple of weeks ago. In fact, the morning after a little bit of the horizontal mambo. I kinda thought maybe the deed had been done. I started to feel a little twinge of excitement. It was little, but it was there. But, naturally, since no one has come up with a "day after" pregnancy test yet, I had to wait.

I did, however, go to Costco and buy the 3-pack of pregnancy tests for the price of just one test at my local drug store (imagine!). And then I waited some more. My period was due on Friday, but by Monday night I could wait no longer.

Negative. Damn. "That's ok," I thought. After all, there's only about a 50% chance of a positive test 4 days before your period is due. I still had a chance. And I was quickly coming to realize that maybe I really did want it to be positive. (Had you figured that out yet? I'm a little slow apparently.)

I didn't say anything to my husband. I didn't say anything to anyone. I held my hopes close to my chest, feeling them grow exponentially every day.

I was going to wait till Friday. After all, what's a couple of days really? And, if my period showed up on schedule, I could save the other 2 tests. Waste not, want not, right?

I made it to Thursday. I was just about to take the Princess to ballet when some ridiculous notion in my head told me to pee on the stick just before we left. I managed to wrangle a little privacy, ran to the bathroom, and peed on the stick.

Nothing. Crap. Now I was disappointed. If it was going to be positive, it should have been positive by now. 93% of pregnancies will show positive on the day before the period is due, according to the package. Crap.

We went off to ballet, and I stewed over it for the next hour. I was disappointed. Not tearful, not depressed. Just disappointed.

But I was happy, too. Because "The Feeling", and my reaction to it, had shown me that I really did want another baby. I really did want to be pregnant again, terrible morning sickness and all. I really did want to have the chance to hold a newborn close to my breast, feel it suckle, smell it's little head. I wanted my Princess and Jr. to have another little brother or sister. I wasn't done.

I'm not done.

And it's a good thing, too. 'Cuz when I got home I found this waiting for me on the bathroom counter: